my hybrid self

mengenang ketika dio berulang tahun satu tahun. saya membuat sebuah video berisi foto-foto selama setahun penuh pergumulan. dio lahir tanggal 12 februari 2005, sebagai seorang bayi prematur 7 bulan, berbobot 3,14lbs (1,8 kg). harus dirawat di nicu (icu untuk bayi prematur) selama 27 hari. lalu pada hari boleh pulang ke rumah baru ketahuan memiliki hypothyroidism yang membuatnya harus menelan hormon pengganti setiap hari seumur hidup. pada usia 3 bulan terkena cacar air (chicken pox) cukup parah. umur 10 bulan terkena virus berbahaya rsv (respiratory syncytial virus). ah … sunguh berat perjuanganmu untuk hidup, dio.

dari usia setahun hingga kini, dio juga harus dirawat di rumah sakit dua kali lagi. sekali karena overdose (menelan obat hypothyroidism jatah seminggu) dan kejang-kejang.

kegagalan cinta
rhoma irama

cukup sekali aku merasa kegagalan cinta
tak ‘kan terulang kedua kali di dalam hidupku
oh, ya nasib, ya nasib, mengapa begini
baru pertama bercinta sudah menderita
cukup sekali aku merasa kegagalan cinta

kau yang mulai kau yang mengakhiri
kau yang berjanji kau yang mengingkari
kau yang mulai kau yang mengakhiri
kau yang berjanji kau yang mengingkari
kalau akan begini akhirnya
tak mau dulu ‘ku bermain cinta

Our hearts and minds desire clarity. We like to have a clear picture of a situation, a clear view of how things fit together, and clear insight into our own and the world’s problems. But just as in nature colors and shapes mingle without clear-cut distinctions, human life doesn’t offer the clarity we are looking for. The borders between love and hate, evil and good, beauty and ugliness, heroism and cowardice, care and neglect, guilt and blamelessness are mostly vague, ambiguous, and hard to discern.

It is not easy to live faithfully in a world full of ambiguities. We have to learn to make wise choices without needing to be entirely sure.

Daily Meditation for January 4, 2007
written by Henri Nouwen

– That is God.
   Hooray! Ay! Whrrwhee!
– What?
– A shout in the street

James Joyce, Ulysses (”Episode 2: Nestor”)

There is a great difference between successfulness and fruitfulness. Success comes from strength, control, and respectability. A successful person has the energy to create something, to keep control over its development, and to make it available in large quantities. Success brings many rewards and often fame. Fruits, however, come from weakness and vulnerability. And fruits are unique. A child is the fruit conceived in vulnerability, community is the fruit born through shared brokenness, and intimacy is the fruit that grows through touching one another’s wounds. Let’s remind one another that what brings us true joy is not successfulness but fruitfulness.

Daily Meditation for January 4, 2007
written by Henri Nouwen

Berikut kutipan dari Henri Nouwen, yang kuperoleh berkat langganan “Daily Meditation” dari situs Nouwen.

A Place of Vulnerability and Trust

When we gather around the table and eat from the same loaf
and drink from the same cup, we are most vulnerable to one
another. We cannot have a meal together in peace with guns
hanging over our shoulders and pistols attached to our
belts. When we break bread together we leave our arms -
whether they are physical or mental - at the door and enter
into a place of mutual vulnerability and trust.

The beauty of the Eucharist is precisely that it is the
place where a vulnerable God invites vulnerable people to
come together in a peaceful meal. When we break bread and
give it to each other, fear vanishes and God becomes very
close.

“[the Eucharist] is the place where a vulnerable God invites vulnerable people to
come together in a peaceful meal.” Isn’t it so beautiful …?

Hidup ini sebuah mujizat, yang berlangsung entah dalam keterpanaan atau pun tanpa tertengarai. Yang dibutuhkannya sesungguhnya hanyalah sebuah kepekaan, untuk mengiyakan bahwa mujizat tengah berlangsung … justru di saat kelaziman berdetak tanpa greget. Lebih-kurang kesadaran macam itu yang ingin dituturkan oleh Augustine berikut ini:

We take for granted the slow miracle whereby water in the irrigation of a vineyard becomes wine. It is only when Christ turns water into wine, in a quick motion, as it were, that we stand amazed. {St. Augustine}